That's not swagger...

DUDE!!! OMG I AM SO SORE!! I'm tipping toeing around my office like I'm in six inch stilettos but 1) I'm in flats 2) I'm boycotting all heels from now on except my I'm With Her kitten heels and I ain't shamed lol

I went back to my Personal Trainer Charles "Chizel It" Harris yesterday. So nuff said. I actually went back to the gym Saturday too and took his Chizel It class and it was just as hard as I remembered. I really wanted to do 45-1 hour every day but that's just not realistic for my schedule so to take the added stress off I'm shooting for 3-4 days a week for at least one hour.

I also went back to Weight Watchers. Ultimately I eat too much so I need structure and Smart Points gives me that structure. There's a new group leader and she is very nice. The one thing I noticed was she didn't look like most WW leaders. She mentioned being 10 pounds away from her goal. That set off an alarm. Well wouldn't you know it another change WW made was you can be a group leader as long as you lost 10% of your body weight and kept it off for 12 weeks! I was shocked but told her I remembered losing a lot of weight like 40 or 50 pounds and being told I could not be a leader unless I was in my proper height weight range which for me was 103-130 pounds!

TALK ABOUT NON-GOALS. I shared how someone who lost like 15 pounds came and became a leader and people kept telling me they could learn more from me than her and I took it off my vision board! I got to give WW  their props. That was a smart smart move. I will never be 103-130 pounds I'm just not built like that. There are people who can get there and those that want to get there I would not be willing or able to do what I would have to to get there and stay there. I'm ok with that. There's genetics involved and while I do not have a lot of heavy people in my family I feel like I clearly stayed longer in line while prepping for my assignment on earth  for things like IQ, good looks and modesty lol vs a fast metabolism. This is my thing so I have to work harder for half the results of others. I've made peace with it.

I don't like that I've been paying WW for like 4 months and not going to meetings. I could have donated that to a charity. So I was up 9 pounds. Not terrible. I can see it in my face. My pre pregnancy goal is now only 26 pounds!

The new leader is doing a Traveling journal so I volunteer to take it with me this week. Very cool concept. It was good to read the other entries and I'm filling mine week out so others can enjoy, learn and benefit from my week.

So there's that and I'm feeling good about this week. I like the app but I do think writing things down gives a more impactful visual lol 

So what's it about babies that get folks all riled up?! I mean I mention starting a family it seems like I dunno what. I had a conversation with two of my friends about a public vs a more private approach to this journey. 

I am pretty much an open book I think I stay away from some topics as a general rule but I never consider parenthood one of them that would need strict privacy. 

Some women/families I don't even know are pregnant until I get a baby shower invitation lol others take you along to every ultrasound. I guess I'll find a happy medium. 

As my guy friend said "When you put yourself out there you open yourself up to others,people's opinions." That's a fact. 

He added (I rephrased it lol) not everyone wants to see you "win" and they don't deserve to be in the audience.

That is also a fact.

I really struggled with this when I was dating because I was pretty open about my highs and lows over the years and I was always so encouraged when I saw loving couples I knew it inspired me to stay open to love. But I'll be dang gone if I posted a rant folks wouldn't be in my inbox, text on my post asking if it was relationship related . Like I can't have a bad day that's not man related??!! Lol 

Ultimately I was MORE public when it felt right and the positive feedback I received was enough to outweigh the negative. I have a lot of people who thank me for being open about my journey. Not saying that's for everyone but I'll talk more about that in my book.

I feel like being over 40, attempting to be a first time mother, career driven, active in the community and a pretty ambitious person I'm pretty relatable. The one thing I noticed about motherhood is there's a lot of secrets like I shouldn't be 41 and just learning about how Mom's suck snot out of babies noses!!! THAT IS A NASTY LITTLE SECRET. I call Motherhood a cult kinda like marriage when you are on the outside looking in you have no clue and women are not giving up information like that either! 

Let me say this I got off script with the snot sucking... My other friend voiced concerns all the possible problems that can occur and that being public. I was saying to her I totally missed that it was a thing to keep private lol I see now based on my social media research it's a thing like you don't tell people you are pregnant until the second trimester  (whenever that is) but Instagram goes ablaze after 11 weeks if you hashtag #BabyAnnouncement lol 

This totally reminds me of dating. I was saying to someone who was encouraging me to start now that now doesn't work for me. End of summer is my goal and I'm really in a good place where if it happens beautiful if it doesn't it's not God's will for our life I can accept that too.  Im not one of those girls who was planning a wedding as a teenager. I'm not a woman who would feel my life would be incomplete or I would feel less than if I could not have a child. I didn't know if I even wanted to be married until I was 33 and didn't know I wanted a child until I was 35. A Soror once said that while she was happy being a wife and mother she could totally see a parallel existence that would not have included marriage and kids and thinks her life could have been fulfilling and happy all the same. That always stuck with me. That's not a bad thing. It's not a thing most women would say at least not out loud lol but I'm living a great life right now and could totally see going this path and still experiencing joy and peace and love and a great life.

I felt like this when I said I was really ready to be married. I submitted to God's will and told Him "Lord I want to be married (here's my list of 120 things on my Soulmate Secret list lol) if it's not in your perfect will for my life I completely accept that and trust you Lord. Amen" I did add on the end "But I do want to get married so don't trip" Lol File that under Jesus is my Homeboy 

So that's that kids are a blessing, it's an awesome responsibility and in addition to cleaning dirty diapers you have to suck snot from their noses. 

Doesn't that make you want to go out and buy your Momma a house or a fancy car lol no wonder football players always give the "Love you Mom" shout out on TV lol 

So a girlfriend a few years ago suggested I blog this experience so I will in doses.

I mean there are 13 year olds out here with no education and no jobs becoming mothers so I'm just going to try and not over-think it.

I missed 7 countries since January in an effort to save leave. I cancelled at $300 airline ticket to South African in September in hope of things going well. You know I'm a founding member of the #PassportMafia so ish just got real...

:-)