Happy Mother's Day!!

Well I felt inspired to do a quick Mother's Day tribute! My Mom is out of the country (yup I get it from my momma!) so we will not see each other but she is with my favorite Aunt who is almost like a Mom to her so my sister & I will be sure to call them today!

My Mom was always supportive of my weight loss efforts she would even take me to her gym before thy had child care lol it's wired she was always on a diet but never overweight! Ahhh women! I am grateful that she introduced me to exercise, bought me my lifetime membership to Bally's and always encouraged me to stay the course! In her honor I am headed to the gym for a 2 hour workout! Enjoy your Mother's Day!!

Consequence is no coincidence

Consequence is no coincidence...

Consequence is no coincidence...

Lauryn Hill has been in my mind a lot lately. I am sure you've heard about her tax issues and all the other issues she's been dealing with over the years with her children's father. I swear that Marley boy broke her...I guess it hit me that she was so strong and secure and that album  really touched me and to be honest I still have her CD in my car! It just reminded me we have to be valiant about our happiness and mental health.

And health in general because it all ties together for me... I was up last week and again this week. But the line "Consequence is no coincidence..." Keeps ringing in my head because I have not been doing the right things. I've been doing what I want and then when the scale goes up I have the nerve to get disappointed. 

So all I can do is get it together. I went to the gym after my Weight Watchers meeting and I've set a new goal for myself to burn 500 calories every day....and I am not allowed to use facebook until I do! *gulp*  today was day 1! I remember seeing a workout cartoon that said if you have time to be on facebook you have time to workout. I spend hours  on facebook! So I need to adjust my sails on what's really important. So I'll keep you posted!

I'm upset and disappointed but I did take lunch a few days this week and I worked out after work on Thursday after a 2 hour commute. My goal will be to maximize my calories burned on Saturdays, Sundays,  and Mondays. 500 calories a day is 3,500 a week. As always food planning will be key! 

I also will work on mindful eating that was the Weight Watchers message. When I came home from the gym I cooked breakfast and had it at the dining room table without the TV being on. That's a first for me! Distracted eating causes over eating so no computers or TV during my meals. It will e a big adjustment but I felt the difference!  I made it through the chapter meeting and then went to the Flying Avocado and had a small vegan chili and Chicken Berry salad. I had company for half my lunch and that worked fine!   I'm claiming a GREAT weigh in next Saturday!

Well it's Saturday and I had a full day so I'm in for the night. Have a good weekend! 

Trust...

OMG its May 1st!!! Where did the time go?! WOW! We are just about half way through the year! That is bananas! And what a year it has been! I can't say its been all perfect but I have had a great start to the new year! For the not so good moments... when I got this email message above it hit me that I must learn how to truly TRUST the process. I have my own control issues so not knowing what will happen next (as it relates to dating and marriage) is an uncomfortable place for me. I am reading the book Think & Grow Rich and I just finished up the chapter on faith. If I have faith in the process I can let go of that need to know...and just trust that I have asked... I must believe... and the way it works is I will receive. The Law of Attraction is just like the Law of Gravity. It MUST work. That's really all I need to know. And because I ahve seen it happen SOOOOOOOO many times I already know that I know that I know it works!

I have been working on me listening to Louise Hay lessons on youtube, doing daily affirmations, and journaling more and it hit me if I was still in that relationship this work I am doing would not have happened. And this is some heavy stuff. Not that people can't learn and grow in a relationship but if you are prone to getting distracted easily well the results speak for themselves.

I think relationships can be a beautiful thing but I do see how one can quickly lose themselves and get wrapped up in getting their happiness and affirmations from the other person vs. internally. I got a lot of emails and text messages about my giving up post and those of you that know me know I was having a pity party lol I don't have them often but that was a moment of mental and spiritual weakness... I am human...its what we do... my Pastor preached last week about the fact that the devil attacks you where you are vulnerable. I must admit dating and weight loss are two areas that challenge me. The test must come b/c we are told to study so that  we can show ourselves approved.

Learning in a vacuum is meaningless.

I have to take what I learn in theory and put it into practice. So.

I am not giving up on love. In fact I am more determined and open to the possibility of BIG LOVE because I got a glimpse of what it could be like and I liked it. I deserve it. like Elizabeth Gilbert said in Eat Pray Love

On Instagram straight flexin' ~ LawyerGal1908

Oh yes yall I done found Instagram! LOL Scary! I love it! Not that I need one other social media network to get hooked to but I love it! Maybe b/c I am a picture person so to see other photo hogs in actions does my soul good lol

Ok back on topic... my point I've really set up a good life here by thinking good thoughts, being a very positive person, helping others, being focused on my goals, PUTTING A PLAN INTO ACTION, and believing the best lies before me (to quote Louise Hay).

On the weight loss front I am still tracking and journaling. This is a high stress week and I am over my points but I did get in a good workout Saturday and Monday. My new Heart rate monitor came. Its soooo cuteeee!! But I see I need to push myself harder. So today is an early day for me and I plan to hit the gym for 2 hours I need to burn over 1000 calories. As is customary when you get a new HRM (and every few months) you should test your levels and well mine came up as FAIR! humph This basically tests your level of fitness and last I checked I was elite! Granted that was over 2 years ago when I was in the gym 5 days a week and getting ready for my triathlon.. but still!! LOL

Anyhoowww!!! *eye roll*

Today's plan is a 2 hour workout after work and before an 8pm conference call about the big event I am chairing on Sunday. The event is a Day at te Races which is a "Hat & Glove Affair" of which I have no hat or gloves or dress lol I create my own stress...I know! But I am taking off Friday and plan to hit the Extreme Kickboxing class at my gym that morning, then go shopping and deal with any last minute details.

So I will check in before the weekend. Its May 1st and I am planning on another good weigh in this Saturday!!!  

Grace

I rarely blog on the weekends because I am usually on the go but this is on of those rare weekends when I am totally free! Well in all honesty my blackberry (yes I still have a blackberry for personal use! Don't judge me lol) deleted my calendar and I mean I had things all the way out until 2016 up in there! And no I did not back up! (As per the Sex and the City episode) Who backs up?!  :-/
All that is to say IF there was something planned for tonight...oh well!

 Anyway I had a good week.  A very good week and I don't know how I lost 3 pounds!! But God knows I needed that loss! I did get 3 good workouts and a total of 41 activity points but I also ate out a lot this week. Way too many times.  And I had lots of drinks! But I will say that is the beauty of the Weight Watchers program I stay within my points and I tracked like crazy. I finally figured out the password to my iPad so I was able to download the WW app and I am diligent about tracking everything! I mean everything! I swear I weighed I at home and I was only down .8 but by the time I got to WW the scale said 3 pounds! Just when I thought it was a fluke I even told the lady this is my lucky scale I will have to always use it lol the woman who weighed in before me who was still collecting her things to go sit down said.. well clearly you got some of my weight loss pounds I want that weigh in lol I told her...next week!


On the good I will say I tracked and I took meals and I planned my meals. I avoided bad snacks like that hot buttery unknown caloric content popcorn they sell at my job... You may recall I saw the lady cut off a hunk of butter and put into the popper one day.... I tried some new snacks like the plain chobani and ranch dip seasoning with baby carrots and celery. I am trying to find my veggie snacks vs so many fruits. I had a crazy busy week at work and my sorority has a major fundraiser I am chairing and it's like I am a committee of one. I am really overwhelmed and I let the board know that on Monday. It's next Sunday and I am looking forward to it last year was a lot of work but a lot of fun. We sold even more tickets this year and our sponsors have grown a lot as well! All good stuff! But that 3 pounds?! Nothing but the grace of God! Unmerited favor...

This week is off to a good start. I went to my gym after the WW meeting and did 15 mins onthe elliptical   machine and did 1 hour if Body Pump!

I then had my company's first vision board workshop of the year! It was great! It was a group of mentors for a national non profit. Had a great time. Made some good contacts for other clients in the area and I actually did some work on my first vision board for the year. I will reveal that at another time :-)

Anyway another good thing was I finally started reading the book Think and Grow Rich. It's kinda the granddaddy to The Secret. It got me to thinking about a few things and how I view love and relationships. I noticed in every other area of my life I don't tend to have Plan B. I am very all or nothing, black or white, on or off. But in the matters of the heart I keep saying if it happens it happens... Well that's not very on or off black or white is it? Am I sending the universe mixed signals? Either I want romantic love, a husband, and a kid/s or not. It's really that simple.

The other thing is I notice this in others especially when it comes to money...people who chase it either never seem to find it, if they get it they have to compromise themselves for it and they can't keep it. Donald Trump said it best (paraphrasing) its never been about the money, it was just a way to keep score. People see him as rich but that wasn't his goal his goal was to be the best in his field and well money was a nice benefit that happens to prove his talent was above the rest.

 I don't think I chase love in the traditional sense but I do think if I am honest in a sense I do. I can't rreally find the right words to explain it but that's something I have come to realize this week.

What I indeed to do with this information I don't know because my heart isn't in it right now but I've ...been getting that same message about quitting before your blessing all week... Right now my focus is me. 43 pounds to go! Right now I have and need tunnel vision and I'm ok with that. One thing this break up did was it taught me about detachment it's been elusive to me because of my personality but this was a good way to learn how to detach from the idea of a relationship unlike I have had the opportunity to before..

The reason why I am giving up...

It has been a rip roaring week or so! Rip Roaring!!! Let's start with the good! My sorority's Regional Conference was less than two weeks ago in Philly! ANDDDDD I won the Marjorie Holloman Parker Leadership Award! And I quote

 "The award is presented to one graduate and one undergraduate Soror who is making a major impact on Alpha Kappa Alpha and her community. The Soror will exemplify the strength, grace, and dignity, commitment to excellence, professional achievement, leadership and service that characterized the life of the 15th Supreme Basileus of Alpha Kappa Alpha." 

With our Regional Director and our International President

*EXHALING* WOW! And in true fashion I missed my 8 seconds of fame at the event where the award was being presented... Where was I?! I was working in the school supply drive donation room as apart of the regional committee duties b/c a volunteer overslept! I swear only me! Things like that happen to me so often I laugh now but fortunately my good soror friend ran to get me and I got my photo op and award!

As a fairly young member in years and in AKA years I must say it feels good to win this award. 2012 was an amazing year it really was; so I took a chance and pulled all that awesomeness together, added it to my 2013 vision board, prayed on it and submitted an entry and I won. When I write my autobiography I will talk more about that process because (as I shared with a Law of Attraction group I started online) this really took my belief in the law of attraction to a whole 'nother level.

Now for the bad or maybe not so bad. I am learning its all about perspective. My eating was off, wayyyy off and it was for a few reasons. Should I share the food p*rn or the reason first?! Ok food po$n!!

Popcorn Shrimp at the Loews in Philly~ Yes with real popcorn!!!

The Tickled Pink @ The Loews

Carmen's Chicken Roco!!! Reading Terminal Market

Hibachi Grill I had steak & shrimp!



AKA Cookie! I couldn't resist!

Anddd another round of Tickled Pinks oh and wings? LOL


First Decent meal



Whewwwww I did have one really good (healthy) meal at the Reading Terminal market...eventually! The problem is when you eat a certain way (I was doing Paleo) and you go back to the old stuff man oh man do you feel it! A lot!!! So I ended up getting a huge salad one day and man was it good! I forgot the Amish are closed Sunday so I never got any of their yummy fresh baked goods! That's for the best! I came back home let my body settle after the trip and jumped on the scale ok tippy toed onto the scale only to discover I was at my highest weight in almost 2 years!!!! :-O

I really was not shocked I have been in a bit of a funk since my most recent relationship ended. I was telling a friend recently dating when you are older is like losing a pet as an adult its a lot harder on you than when you are younger. I can remember breaking up with one dude by 1pm and on a date that night and not even thinking twice... Not this time.. I have given up! Seriously... I don't give up on much... Math...yeah gave up on that... piercings...yeah just my ears... swimming with dolphins... riding the New York subway... yeah that's about the sum total of things I have officially tried, hated, and given up on... So I am not saying this lightly...

Someone asked me if I was really that upset about him or the idea of having to start over in the dating game again and I guess it is a lil of both. I have prayed very specific prayers, done vision boards, read books, visualized and held onto good thoughts, worked on forgiveness, helped others, lived my best life ever, and still nada (in terms of a relationship) to show for it.

She suggested I think of it this way- at least I am getting dates and in relationships...A lot of people don't get that... I advised her it was not a glass half full kinda day so miss me with that.

I was talking about it with women co-workers two who have "given up" well one just for 2013 the other its been like 8 years and I was saying being "0 for 50" vs "0 for 0" is the same in my mind.. shoot if not worst... I'd rather be home watching Good Times (Waiting to Exhale reference) :-)

I just don't see the return on the investment... I just don't.

I feel like I was in a great place in 2012 and 2013 was off to a great start and now I feel all off track. I hate that. I let myself have the 3 week or so pity party and then I said I gotta shake this off and get back to who I am and the life I love and the Cylia I enjoy and not give someone or any situation that kind of power over me ever, ever, ever again...so I went back to Weight Watchers on Saturday.

I was up 14.6 pounds. Talk about an eye opener. I have not been to a meeting since February. I listened intently...their new meeting method is more of a classroom style open discussion with a fancy flat screen tv and videos etc. I almost jumped in my car and left when I got there to go to the other meeting with my old Weight Watcher leader but stopped myself and said "Change is good!"

I am glad I did that. A women there hit her 100 pound weight loss goal that morning. I was happy to see that. Inspired and encouraged.

Afterwards went shopping and ran into someone from my WW meeting she saw the pink pom pom on my sneaker and asked if I was in a running group and I told her yes Black Girls Run and she said she wanted to join but can't run. I told her people are at all levels they walk or run! Doesn't matter. That turned into a 15 minute conversation about how she hit goal and regained 15 pounds looked up and she regained 35 pounds so she was back to meetings b/c she realizes she needs that.

I told her I feel the same way and it can be fustrating but there are things I am really good at that others can't do so if this is my thing I have to stuck it up and get it done. Ironically, I ran into someone from my gym o Sunday and I haven't seen in almost 2 years and we had the same conversation she regained 45 pounds I told her I am at 46 myself so don't feel bad.

I said there are things I can do with two hands tied behind my back and blind folded that others can't even grasp so if this is the thing I have to work a little harder at so be it. I can change my size and fitness level but people can't change their IQs lol so seems fair lol

I went to workout with my personal trainer on Saturday and I had an aaaa-ttttt-tttudeeee! Its a good thing Charles knows me and knows to pay me no mind! LOL It was a great workout and I still can't figure out how after 3 years he still finds new things for me to do!

Sunday I went back to church it had been a few weeks and it was a good word. The sermon was about having sufficient funds in our faith bank account and jumping into action any time God gives you an opportunity to move forward! That was a word in due season! I then hit the produce market and grocery store afterwards then did 60 minutes in the Precor FX machine first time! I've never done 1 hour in that particular machine! *patting myself on the back* and first time I have gone to the gym on a Sunday in...forever...

I can't lie and say it felt good... I don't feel like doing any of this but I am focused on the results I want and the steps I have to take to get there. I'm 46 pounds from goal....again... no bueno... but I have been diligent about journaling online since Saturday. I downloaded the iPad App for Weight Watchers and bought the paper journal which is great! Its bigger and has a few pages for you to plan your week..meals, workouts, see challenges. I used to do that in my journal and keep the tracker for recording afterwards. I swear I have a multi million dollar idea in my head... Have I ever told you the story about Dieters Portions? Yeah that was my idea then all of a sudden theses 100 calorie snacks started coming out :-/

True story!!!
Anyhoooooo I got a lot going on as usual... work has been extra busy, I am teaching two classes, I have a lot of AKA stuff its all just a lot on me right now. Andddd I am asking for help and not getting much response...That bothers me because I do so much for others but I will be taking a step back from some of my duties and stepping down from others all together. Its the only answer.

I am really grateful for the help I have gotten but maybe I am doing too much and others can't see where their help is needed or valued. Furthermore, I was slated for a Board position  for the Junior League and I will need to focus my time and efforts there for a bit in that role.

Ohhhh I called in help to declutter again and a friend who has been asking over and over again to help me...well finally I called and she came over Saturday afternoon and Monday and cleaned out my office and guestroom. I mean the before and afters are amazing!!! The house even feels lighter! So next step is my room and we will do that next week.

The clutter just isn't good and she found so much of the same clothing I had to admit the reason was when I can't find something I buy new ones. I must have like 40 pairs of black slacks lol ok no lol I got to do better. The fact that I gave away 20 bags in the fall and still have plenty of clothing is proof of that!

I am always too busy to really stop and do that type of stuff plus I don't like it lol same goes for cleaning. Which is why I have someone who comes in every two weeks. The cleaners came and worked their magic and it made me feel a lot better too!

So slowly but surely I am getting myself back on track and focusing in on getting some things done to improve my mood and space. For me it all seems to go together.

One thing is for sure when I act right so does my body. I get a return on my investment so while dieting and exercising is fustrating on some level its not like the level of frustration I experience with dating so Imma stick with what works. I can accept everything aint for everybody and focus my time and enegry on the places in my life that bring me joy and I get a return on my investment. With no regrets! Hold on tight it gonna be a great ride!

"You have to own the personality you are!" ~Judy Smith, Esq.



The real Olivia Pope!!!!



Well what a week I have had! Today I can truly exclaim TGIF!!! TGIF!!! TGIF!!! Well unless you've been under a rock some where you know all about the hit ABC show Scandal by Shonda Rhimes of Grey's fame. Well I got a chance to meet the real life "Olivia Pope" she had a lecture well really more of a chit chat with a room full of admirers, myself included! She was great! So down to earth. In fact she left the stage to be closer to the audience. She talked about the show, work life balance (she is married with two sons), and discussed her career and gave awesome advice for the college students in the audience.

She was gracious enough to take pictures with everyone who waited in line which was awesome! She seemed really at peace with herself and that came across loud and clear. She made the comment "You have to own the personality you are!" when discussing how she conducts business and how she deals with people. She is not a shrinking violet lol and she said basically you have to know yourself and do what you have to do. It really spoke to me because my personality is not for everyone. A few of the friends I was with gave me a silent nod lol It made me think of the fact I wasted a lot of time trying to make people like me and in retrospect some of these people made their minds up long ago that they just would not like me. I let that quest go. I can't change but so much at 37 and to be honest I am happy with who I am. Not that certain things about myself can not be improved but if it doesn't work for someone I am not going to break my neck and spirit to change for them either.

Anyhoo good experience! I have not been feeling 100% not sure what that is about but I can say I've been eating a bunch of crap (Micky Ds, Roy Rogers, Red Lobster, etc.) and not working out consistently! So there you go. I am working on that though. I was playing on facebook on my way to work and I saw an e-book  on Paleo for $15.00 so I am going to get it. The guide my soror gave is great and I have gotten some great info there so this will supplement that!

Seeing the picture with Judy Smith was a reality check I was W---I----D---E--- around the middle! Granted she is TINY...NO...tiny.... BUT STILL!!! I was like no no no Cylia if we are back to cropping pictures we know we are wayyyyy off plan! No LOL!!!

So I am starting fresh in April with my WW Paleo Plan. Paleo works well with Weight Watchers because it focuses on eating clean and in WW fruits and veggies are 0 points. I feel full and its an overall good marriage of my dietary needs and weight loss goals. HOWEVER COMMA... This emotional eating is not good. Any stress I am still reverting to soothing myself with food and if it was an occasional slip it would be one thing but I am not going to keep beating a dead horse.

So yesterday I did well I went to another agency for lunch and came upon this great salad called the Lebanese Fattoush Salad. It was awesome! I added some pulled pork that was slow roasted in a Paleo friendly way. Below is the picture! 

I did not have the pita but here are 2  versions of the salad. It is very light and tasty and I plan to make some at home because this dish was $13.00 :-/ at the salad bar! But it was some kinda good!!!


 INGREDIENTS:

•1 head of romaine lettuce (or any other lettuce), torn in pieces
•a bunch of purslane or mâche
•a few Persian cucumbers (or English-hothouse, or just plain cucumbers)
•a few tomatoes, diced
•a few radishes, sliced
•green onions, sliced
•a handful of chopped Italian parsley and a handful of fresh mint
•a green pepper, diced (optional)
•a large loaf of pita bread or 2 small pita breads
For the Fattoush dressing:

1.2 small lemons, juiced
2.1/2 cup of extra-virgin olive oil
3.2 generous tablespoons of sumac, plus extra to sprinkle on the pita breadsticks
4.2 or more cloves of garlic mashed in a dash of salt in a mortar
METHOD:

1.Brush the pita breads with plenty of olive oil; sprinkle plenty of sumac on top.
2.With kitchen scissors, cut the bread into thin breadsticks. Toast in a 325F oven till crispy and golden. Set aside.
3.Prepare all the salad ingredients; mix the dressing; when ready to serve, toss the salad with the dressing and serve the breadsticks on the side, or break them up the traditional way, and incorporate in the fattoush.

OR

Found WW version PointsPlus Value: 4 per serving
Servings: 6
Preparation Time: 0 min
Cooking Time: 0 min
Level of Difficulty: Easy
Ingredients
3 head(s) romaine lettuce
4 Tbsp dried spearmint
4 Tbsp red wine vinegar
4 Tbsp Filippo Berio Olive oil
2 medium lemon(s)
1 medium English cucumber(s)
1 medium uncooked red onion(s)
1 medium fresh tomato(es)
2 tsp kosher salt
3 clove(s) garlic clove(s) , finely minced
Instructions
1. In a large mixing bowl, finely mash garlic into salt. Chop tomato and add to bowl and combine with garlic and salt mixture and allow to sit for at least 10 minutes. In the mean time, cut English cucumber into half moons and chop red onion. Add to bowl. Add the dried mint, red wine vinegar and olive oil. Chop romaine and toss in the large bowl. Serve


Here's another version you can check out!
http://www.kalynskitchen.com/2009/09/recipe-for-fattoush-lebanese-crumbled.html


Aside from that all is well. I had a pretty stressful week at work its a really busy period and I am juggling a lot of cases. Also the Manfriend was under the weather but he's feeling a bit better now but we haven't seen each other since last week. :-( Today is Good Friday and I was debating taking off because he is off but figured I should go to work for at least  6 hours and leave a bit early to spend time with him :-)

I have some great trips coming up sorority related and just for fun so I need to be careful with my leave! So I am here! Its funny I was telling him about my two upcoming trips my Dad 70th Birthday I am going to Florida and the follow week is my sorority conference. I could hear the pregnant pause on the phone like "Well what about me?!?" So I was quick to ask him to take me to the train before my conference so I could see him before I leave and I told him I would take a late train. Its so weird being in a relationship!!! Thinking about the other person and when you have a consistent schedule with each other its difficult to balance it. The one great thing is several of his family members are in a sorority too and they are very active so he told me he is used to it. So we shall see but I have been talking to Sorors that are married about that balance so I will do my best and be sure to keep the lines of communication open. Fortunately both trips are quick...but I have a cruise coming up in June/July that I will wait to mention down the line lol I am so excited about that trip it leaves from Puerto Rico and goes to St. Croix, St. Maarten, Antigua, St. Lucia & Barbados!!!

Can't wait! Tomorrow I will go to Weight Watchers and face the music it will not be pretty to be honest I don't even know how I missed so many meetings! You know its bad when facebook friends email you to see why you havent checked in lol But it was a nice email saying I inspired them to join and they ahve had such ood results they were checking on me :-)

My Mother was here last weekend and mentioned a co-worker lost 50 pounds by joining Over Eaters Anonymous. I looked it up and my co-worker actually told me she lost 80 pounds over 8 years ago by going to meetings. I went on line and looked up a meeting and went because I often say to my family and friends WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I WAS THAT BIG?!? They all swear (well my family does) they tried to talk to me but I wouldn't respond kindly (lol) I don't recall that lol so I said IF she is taking the time and effort to actually talk to me about it I should listen this time. I am 40 pounds from goal... So that's till 60 pounds lost...I am proud of that 60 pounds but it is sad to be that far back up that's regaining almost half my weight back in 2-3 years. Long story short I didn't find the meeting and the women I called said they have not been members of OA in almost 5 years. So I need to do some more research but there are phone meetings and online meetings so there are options. Its just more help, support, and accountability.

I was looking at the old pictures I still have on my walls and I was thinking for the first time I should change them out for new pictures because I don't want Manfriend to see them. I can't say I ever felt like that before and I don't know if that's the/my ego or an attempt to move on from that Cylia. I am still debating it. The hard part is a lot of my newer pictures I don't have printed off although I have started doing a few but Lord knows where they are. So I don't know but I gotta make a decision today before he sees them.... I'll report back.

But if you have had that experience please let me know. I know on facebook so many people have confided in me their weight loss stories (privately) but there are nooo picutres anywhere of their former selves.  I have left most of mine up. It is who I was those were still good times and moments in my life I was just severly overweight. But I can't say when someone digs up an old picture I don't cringe just a little bit... but I deal with it and I've been pretty proactive about posting before and after pictures to help others. In fact when I posted the salad I had for lunch yesterday someone posted that I helped them make a healthy choice for lunch after seeing my salad. That is all I want to do help others and be helped in return.

But not sure what to do about the old pictures I will think about it....

Anyway its pretty quiet at work so I figured I would update my blog. So one thing off my to do list today :-)

 Have a great Good Friday and Passover and Resurrection Sunday!

17 Days!

Hey yall! How is everything!? Hum hummm making small talk to avoid conversation about what's going on lol ok well so my weight is back up into another weight zip code! I am devastated but I really wasn't devated enough to get my butt back in the gym or workout at home consistently. Or eat properly! I have these rebellious phases with this lifestyle! These health ahd fitness pity parties where I get mad at myself and mad at life about the amount of effort I have to put in JUST to maintain forget trying to lose! So I now have 40 pounds to lose... Not pleased at all with myself!! Not at all!   On the positive side I am back with Charles we worked out on Monday again and it was tough! It reminded me that every time I am away I pay the price!

I posted in my sorority workout group the struggle I was having and one of my sorors asked a great question about what I have happening now that may be causing my behavior. DUH! Why didn't I think of that!? In talking/typing it out I did realize I had 4 new cases at work, I was busy with my chapter awards books that I put off until the lastttt possible minute and I had to admit that I had some anxiety or anxiousness about my new manfriend! I don't know why...well that's not true! I really like him, we really like each other. We speak every day for hours he's usually the last person I speak to at night and we either speak or he sends a text first thing in the morning. He is great, funny, smart, active in the community, passionate about his work, he's very open and is a great communicator,  he respects me, he's superrrr affectionate, he is patient with me, treats me well, and he even put me on a timeline in terms of our relationship progressing, and I have 0 complaints. ZERO!

He is like everything on my vision board. Its crazy...And I think the fear of things changing or not working out is creeping into my mind. Not that he has done a thing wrong its just lingering there in the back of my mind. But because I am not a touchy feely person and I used to rely so heavily on food to deal (or rather avoid dealing with) my emotions rather than talking to him or talking it out with friends or hell even journaling it I have been internalizing that feeling of looking over the shoulder or waiting for when the shoe drop and using food to deal with the feelings. Not good... but its real talk and I'm human.

So he invited me to his church for Easter to meet his family and needless to say I am happy about that and I guess it kinda made me anxious without me even taking a moment of feel the feelings. In her documentary Beyonce talked about her feelings of fear and how she had to learn to embrace it, feel the fear and move on and do what she has to do anyway. I liked that. That more than anything resonated with me and made her so much more human in my eyes. Hottest chick in the game...who married MY man (Yall don't forget tht! I loved Jay Z first) AND she has fear...anxiety..anxiouness... yeah perfectly human... I love and respect her for sharing that.

So today I decided (as is my constant quest for balance) to work on living in, embracing and most of all enjoying the moment. TODAY everything is perfect. I need to enjoy and embrace that and be grateful for it. I have a wonderful man who isn't afraid to (a la Steve Harvey) profess, proclaim, protect, and provide consistently and I need to know and accept the fact that I deserve a great realtionship..or in the words of Eat, Pray, Love ~*~ I deserve something beautiful~*~ The friends I have spoken to in more detail about our relationship have all (men, women, 20, 30, 40, 50s year olds) said the same thing "You deserve it!" I think when we have some bad expeirences or havent dated in a while and we are working on ourselves gettign to that point where you don't want to settle and you can walk away easily from situations you don't deserve it does take a minute to sit down and appreicate when that good thing does come.

I know everyone has a thing they are working on but my life is so blessed right now I dare not treat myself in such a way that doesn't honor all that I have and how far I have come.

Before I went to teach yesterday I was in my car journaling like a mad woman about asking God to help me and just get it together. I said take the next 17 days (from now until Easter) and I will eat right and exercise at home on my faithful treadmill that brought me so far EVERY MORNING AT 5AM!!! and as soon as I put my pen down a young man came to my car begging with tears in his eyes for $4 to catch the bus home because he was just release from central booking (jail) and wanted to get home. I don't carry cash but I felt compelled to go to the ATM and give him $20 to eat and get home. I don't typically do that after a bad experience, I tend to just give to charities but I really felt that's what I was supposed to do. It put things in perspective for me I'm stressing over weight, eating, a new love in my life and people got REAL problems! I just felt it calmed me down a lot in my spirit to help someone and that was part of the key to my weight loss before doing direct community service. I had a mentee in the Junior League Wise Penny program, and an adopted family I worked with from my chapter, and other activities that were worthwhile so I'm getting back to those things. I found a quote that spoke to me "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

I realize I have to be patient with myself and the added stress does not help! So I am happy to report I did wake up at 5am...ok I woke up but turned back over for 15 minutes and then did 35 minutes on the treadmill. LOL

It made me late to work which I hate because the traffic is so terrible after 6:30am but as I was getting frustrated in the car I had to say out loud its not like you have a boss who is on your back clocking your time. It I come late I can stay late no biggie some of those people will lose pay for being late let them go ahead and drive crazy I'm good!

I cooked breakfast trying to stick with a Paleo eating plan still because I like it so I made 1 egg and a Trader Joe chicken sausage with onions and mushrooms that i had on my way to the bus. I brought a big bag of mixed greens, jerk salmon, and a great dish of roasted veggies packed it all up took a shower and got on the road! I also added Atkins shakes to my version of Paleo b/c I like them and they help with my chocolate fix.

So TODAY everything is going great! And I am happy about it!!