Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The reason why I am giving up...

It has been a rip roaring week or so! Rip Roaring!!! Let's start with the good! My sorority's Regional Conference was less than two weeks ago in Philly! ANDDDDD I won the Marjorie Holloman Parker Leadership Award! And I quote

 "The award is presented to one graduate and one undergraduate Soror who is making a major impact on Alpha Kappa Alpha and her community. The Soror will exemplify the strength, grace, and dignity, commitment to excellence, professional achievement, leadership and service that characterized the life of the 15th Supreme Basileus of Alpha Kappa Alpha." 

With our Regional Director and our International President

*EXHALING* WOW! And in true fashion I missed my 8 seconds of fame at the event where the award was being presented... Where was I?! I was working in the school supply drive donation room as apart of the regional committee duties b/c a volunteer overslept! I swear only me! Things like that happen to me so often I laugh now but fortunately my good soror friend ran to get me and I got my photo op and award!

As a fairly young member in years and in AKA years I must say it feels good to win this award. 2012 was an amazing year it really was; so I took a chance and pulled all that awesomeness together, added it to my 2013 vision board, prayed on it and submitted an entry and I won. When I write my autobiography I will talk more about that process because (as I shared with a Law of Attraction group I started online) this really took my belief in the law of attraction to a whole 'nother level.

Now for the bad or maybe not so bad. I am learning its all about perspective. My eating was off, wayyyy off and it was for a few reasons. Should I share the food p*rn or the reason first?! Ok food po$n!!

Popcorn Shrimp at the Loews in Philly~ Yes with real popcorn!!!
The Tickled Pink @ The Loews

Carmen's Chicken Roco!!! Reading Terminal Market

Hibachi Grill I had steak & shrimp!

AKA Cookie! I couldn't resist!

Anddd another round of Tickled Pinks oh and wings? LOL

First Decent meal

Whewwwww I did have one really good (healthy) meal at the Reading Terminal market...eventually! The problem is when you eat a certain way (I was doing Paleo) and you go back to the old stuff man oh man do you feel it! A lot!!! So I ended up getting a huge salad one day and man was it good! I forgot the Amish are closed Sunday so I never got any of their yummy fresh baked goods! That's for the best! I came back home let my body settle after the trip and jumped on the scale ok tippy toed onto the scale only to discover I was at my highest weight in almost 2 years!!!! :-O

I really was not shocked I have been in a bit of a funk since my most recent relationship ended. I was telling a friend recently dating when you are older is like losing a pet as an adult its a lot harder on you than when you are younger. I can remember breaking up with one dude by 1pm and on a date that night and not even thinking twice... Not this time.. I have given up! Seriously... I don't give up on much... Math...yeah gave up on that... piercings...yeah just my ears... swimming with dolphins... riding the New York subway... yeah that's about the sum total of things I have officially tried, hated, and given up on... So I am not saying this lightly...

Someone asked me if I was really that upset about him or the idea of having to start over in the dating game again and I guess it is a lil of both. I have prayed very specific prayers, done vision boards, read books, visualized and held onto good thoughts, worked on forgiveness, helped others, lived my best life ever, and still nada (in terms of a relationship) to show for it.

She suggested I think of it this way- at least I am getting dates and in relationships...A lot of people don't get that... I advised her it was not a glass half full kinda day so miss me with that.

I was talking about it with women co-workers two who have "given up" well one just for 2013 the other its been like 8 years and I was saying being "0 for 50" vs "0 for 0" is the same in my mind.. shoot if not worst... I'd rather be home watching Good Times (Waiting to Exhale reference) :-)

I just don't see the return on the investment... I just don't.

I feel like I was in a great place in 2012 and 2013 was off to a great start and now I feel all off track. I hate that. I let myself have the 3 week or so pity party and then I said I gotta shake this off and get back to who I am and the life I love and the Cylia I enjoy and not give someone or any situation that kind of power over me ever, ever, ever again...so I went back to Weight Watchers on Saturday.

I was up 14.6 pounds. Talk about an eye opener. I have not been to a meeting since February. I listened intently...their new meeting method is more of a classroom style open discussion with a fancy flat screen tv and videos etc. I almost jumped in my car and left when I got there to go to the other meeting with my old Weight Watcher leader but stopped myself and said "Change is good!"

I am glad I did that. A women there hit her 100 pound weight loss goal that morning. I was happy to see that. Inspired and encouraged.

Afterwards went shopping and ran into someone from my WW meeting she saw the pink pom pom on my sneaker and asked if I was in a running group and I told her yes Black Girls Run and she said she wanted to join but can't run. I told her people are at all levels they walk or run! Doesn't matter. That turned into a 15 minute conversation about how she hit goal and regained 15 pounds looked up and she regained 35 pounds so she was back to meetings b/c she realizes she needs that.

I told her I feel the same way and it can be fustrating but there are things I am really good at that others can't do so if this is my thing I have to stuck it up and get it done. Ironically, I ran into someone from my gym o Sunday and I haven't seen in almost 2 years and we had the same conversation she regained 45 pounds I told her I am at 46 myself so don't feel bad.

I said there are things I can do with two hands tied behind my back and blind folded that others can't even grasp so if this is the thing I have to work a little harder at so be it. I can change my size and fitness level but people can't change their IQs lol so seems fair lol

I went to workout with my personal trainer on Saturday and I had an aaaa-ttttt-tttudeeee! Its a good thing Charles knows me and knows to pay me no mind! LOL It was a great workout and I still can't figure out how after 3 years he still finds new things for me to do!

Sunday I went back to church it had been a few weeks and it was a good word. The sermon was about having sufficient funds in our faith bank account and jumping into action any time God gives you an opportunity to move forward! That was a word in due season! I then hit the produce market and grocery store afterwards then did 60 minutes in the Precor FX machine first time! I've never done 1 hour in that particular machine! *patting myself on the back* and first time I have gone to the gym on a Sunday in...forever...

I can't lie and say it felt good... I don't feel like doing any of this but I am focused on the results I want and the steps I have to take to get there. I'm 46 pounds from goal....again... no bueno... but I have been diligent about journaling online since Saturday. I downloaded the iPad App for Weight Watchers and bought the paper journal which is great! Its bigger and has a few pages for you to plan your week..meals, workouts, see challenges. I used to do that in my journal and keep the tracker for recording afterwards. I swear I have a multi million dollar idea in my head... Have I ever told you the story about Dieters Portions? Yeah that was my idea then all of a sudden theses 100 calorie snacks started coming out :-/

True story!!!
Anyhoooooo I got a lot going on as usual... work has been extra busy, I am teaching two classes, I have a lot of AKA stuff its all just a lot on me right now. Andddd I am asking for help and not getting much response...That bothers me because I do so much for others but I will be taking a step back from some of my duties and stepping down from others all together. Its the only answer.

I am really grateful for the help I have gotten but maybe I am doing too much and others can't see where their help is needed or valued. Furthermore, I was slated for a Board position  for the Junior League and I will need to focus my time and efforts there for a bit in that role.

Ohhhh I called in help to declutter again and a friend who has been asking over and over again to help me...well finally I called and she came over Saturday afternoon and Monday and cleaned out my office and guestroom. I mean the before and afters are amazing!!! The house even feels lighter! So next step is my room and we will do that next week.

The clutter just isn't good and she found so much of the same clothing I had to admit the reason was when I can't find something I buy new ones. I must have like 40 pairs of black slacks lol ok no lol I got to do better. The fact that I gave away 20 bags in the fall and still have plenty of clothing is proof of that!

I am always too busy to really stop and do that type of stuff plus I don't like it lol same goes for cleaning. Which is why I have someone who comes in every two weeks. The cleaners came and worked their magic and it made me feel a lot better too!

So slowly but surely I am getting myself back on track and focusing in on getting some things done to improve my mood and space. For me it all seems to go together.

One thing is for sure when I act right so does my body. I get a return on my investment so while dieting and exercising is fustrating on some level its not like the level of frustration I experience with dating so Imma stick with what works. I can accept everything aint for everybody and focus my time and enegry on the places in my life that bring me joy and I get a return on my investment. With no regrets! Hold on tight it gonna be a great ride!


  1. :( On giving up but it seems as though you are getting yourself back on track which is good all in itself.

    1. Yes I feel more like myself this week was a good week!