Thursday, March 14, 2013

17 Days!

Hey yall! How is everything!? Hum hummm making small talk to avoid conversation about what's going on lol ok well so my weight is back up into another weight zip code! I am devastated but I really wasn't devated enough to get my butt back in the gym or workout at home consistently. Or eat properly! I have these rebellious phases with this lifestyle! These health ahd fitness pity parties where I get mad at myself and mad at life about the amount of effort I have to put in JUST to maintain forget trying to lose! So I now have 40 pounds to lose... Not pleased at all with myself!! Not at all!   On the positive side I am back with Charles we worked out on Monday again and it was tough! It reminded me that every time I am away I pay the price!

I posted in my sorority workout group the struggle I was having and one of my sorors asked a great question about what I have happening now that may be causing my behavior. DUH! Why didn't I think of that!? In talking/typing it out I did realize I had 4 new cases at work, I was busy with my chapter awards books that I put off until the lastttt possible minute and I had to admit that I had some anxiety or anxiousness about my new manfriend! I don't know why...well that's not true! I really like him, we really like each other. We speak every day for hours he's usually the last person I speak to at night and we either speak or he sends a text first thing in the morning. He is great, funny, smart, active in the community, passionate about his work, he's very open and is a great communicator,  he respects me, he's superrrr affectionate, he is patient with me, treats me well, and he even put me on a timeline in terms of our relationship progressing, and I have 0 complaints. ZERO!

He is like everything on my vision board. Its crazy...And I think the fear of things changing or not working out is creeping into my mind. Not that he has done a thing wrong its just lingering there in the back of my mind. But because I am not a touchy feely person and I used to rely so heavily on food to deal (or rather avoid dealing with) my emotions rather than talking to him or talking it out with friends or hell even journaling it I have been internalizing that feeling of looking over the shoulder or waiting for when the shoe drop and using food to deal with the feelings. Not good... but its real talk and I'm human.

So he invited me to his church for Easter to meet his family and needless to say I am happy about that and I guess it kinda made me anxious without me even taking a moment of feel the feelings. In her documentary Beyonce talked about her feelings of fear and how she had to learn to embrace it, feel the fear and move on and do what she has to do anyway. I liked that. That more than anything resonated with me and made her so much more human in my eyes. Hottest chick in the game...who married MY man (Yall don't forget tht! I loved Jay Z first) AND she has fear...anxiety..anxiouness... yeah perfectly human... I love and respect her for sharing that.

So today I decided (as is my constant quest for balance) to work on living in, embracing and most of all enjoying the moment. TODAY everything is perfect. I need to enjoy and embrace that and be grateful for it. I have a wonderful man who isn't afraid to (a la Steve Harvey) profess, proclaim, protect, and provide consistently and I need to know and accept the fact that I deserve a great realtionship..or in the words of Eat, Pray, Love ~*~ I deserve something beautiful~*~ The friends I have spoken to in more detail about our relationship have all (men, women, 20, 30, 40, 50s year olds) said the same thing "You deserve it!" I think when we have some bad expeirences or havent dated in a while and we are working on ourselves gettign to that point where you don't want to settle and you can walk away easily from situations you don't deserve it does take a minute to sit down and appreicate when that good thing does come.

I know everyone has a thing they are working on but my life is so blessed right now I dare not treat myself in such a way that doesn't honor all that I have and how far I have come.

Before I went to teach yesterday I was in my car journaling like a mad woman about asking God to help me and just get it together. I said take the next 17 days (from now until Easter) and I will eat right and exercise at home on my faithful treadmill that brought me so far EVERY MORNING AT 5AM!!! and as soon as I put my pen down a young man came to my car begging with tears in his eyes for $4 to catch the bus home because he was just release from central booking (jail) and wanted to get home. I don't carry cash but I felt compelled to go to the ATM and give him $20 to eat and get home. I don't typically do that after a bad experience, I tend to just give to charities but I really felt that's what I was supposed to do. It put things in perspective for me I'm stressing over weight, eating, a new love in my life and people got REAL problems! I just felt it calmed me down a lot in my spirit to help someone and that was part of the key to my weight loss before doing direct community service. I had a mentee in the Junior League Wise Penny program, and an adopted family I worked with from my chapter, and other activities that were worthwhile so I'm getting back to those things. I found a quote that spoke to me "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

I realize I have to be patient with myself and the added stress does not help! So I am happy to report I did wake up at 5am...ok I woke up but turned back over for 15 minutes and then did 35 minutes on the treadmill. LOL

It made me late to work which I hate because the traffic is so terrible after 6:30am but as I was getting frustrated in the car I had to say out loud its not like you have a boss who is on your back clocking your time. It I come late I can stay late no biggie some of those people will lose pay for being late let them go ahead and drive crazy I'm good!

I cooked breakfast trying to stick with a Paleo eating plan still because I like it so I made 1 egg and a Trader Joe chicken sausage with onions and mushrooms that i had on my way to the bus. I brought a big bag of mixed greens, jerk salmon, and a great dish of roasted veggies packed it all up took a shower and got on the road! I also added Atkins shakes to my version of Paleo b/c I like them and they help with my chocolate fix.

So TODAY everything is going great! And I am happy about it!!

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