Welllll....I was accused of "overdosing on positivity" yesterday and it hurt my feelings!
The person said I seem to really be overdoing it (it being positivity) between my face book updates and other postings and they wanted to know if I was going through something to cause this. I really wasn't aware of a shift I kinda feel like I am generally a positive and happy person! I have my moments like everyone else but I really don't feel like I have changed lately as the person suggested. I felt judged and I don't like that...lol
I mean who does? lol And my reactions wasn't all that positive to say the least.
My response in short was there are a lot of bad things going on in the world (war, death, natural disasters) and if I want to OD of being positive I don't see the harm. It went kinda downhill from there. I will be honest I do not watch the news very often it is too depressing. I stay informed selectively about world events and I try not to take in too much of the sad stuff because that stuff stays with you and in my opinion its toxic.
I hear/read things and pray and walk away. When I was a Domestic Violence prosecutor I had to develop that kind of armour because there's no crying in court (yeah just like in baseball :-) and as to be expected DV is a heavy issue to deal with on a daily basis. Anyway I don't mean to portray that life is a bed of roses. I think I speak very candidly about my struggles and I choose to not dwell in the negativity or depression. That doesn't mean I don't have pit stops and pity parties but ultimately I know its gratitude that will bring more blessings into my life and why short change myself?
I often think about this blog and my journal and I rarely talk about those major things like the tsunami, or the earthquake, the war and I sometimes feel convicted that I should make some reference to them but I often make a conscious decision not to. Its not to disrespect the victims or downplay the sadness its just that, that news is everywhere. My blog and my journal are my safe havens; my pieces of the world. When I am dead and gone I hope that isn't seen as selfish but then again I'll be gone so it won't matter :-) but know that I do care and pray on these huge things that are out of our control because only God can deal with these things.
Maybe the issue/concern is I am not really feeling my feelings...and that isn't healthy either. I totally get that! I think I have passed that stage for the most part though. I know my struggles with weight are partly related to that ability to "check out" but I dunno I don't feel like that's what I have been doing. I sincerely feel like I am learning that the more good you take in the more good you can give out to the world and make it a better place. But anyhoo, I went through some emails this morning and one came from a fellow Junior Leaguer and the opening liner was "I always enjoy reading your blog and your outlook on life. You need to bottle your positive energy." I thanked the person and told them about the OD concern but this email just confirmed its not a bad thing!
Other updates! Ohh Superman has left the building... Blessing and releasing him as my friend Tosha would say (and actually did say back in February lol I'm hard headed! I know!) Well I told him his actions on our date and his subsequent inaction wasn't adding up. He said he was trying in terms of communication but after some back and forth the upshot was that he was having some "internal conflict" over having a more serious relationship with me even though he initially said he wasn't looking for a relationship just moreso dating at this post recently divorced stage in his life. He said he was going with his feelings on our date and that explained his couple like behavior because he was having such a good time. I told him I get that he goes with the moment but that's not the best policy when other people's feelings are involved.
Funny, I had a nice email exchange with a Soror last week about the situation and she made a good point we (he & I) were not consistent in terms of our intentions and our actions. Her suggestion was to walk away..again I'm hard headed lol But I did as she suggested and told him I am in a different place now than when we met in Janaury and nowI am looking for something more serious and it would be foolish of me to miss a good opportunity by being distracted by him. He understood and he said I didn't really call him and let him know if I really liked him. Yadda Yadda Yadda.... I told him I suspect what the real deal is he is used to women being a lot more aggressive with him, that's just not my style I like Alpha men (Ughh the irony lol) and I am used to men being assertive in person as well as when we are not in each others' company and he seems to only get half that right and I like consistency. He understood and we parted ways as friends...well after I deleted his number and pictures lol oh just saying gotta make room for a fresh start! lol I am a lil dissapointed (the ego talking here) but I do think everytime I meet someone new it gives me a clearer picture of what I do and don't want. He had a lot of good qualities driven, focused, funny, community service minded, likes kids but doesn't have any... But he was a lot older and didn't want children, poor communication skills (ie., texting vs. coversation), too busy (I have some nerve lol), bad follow though on important matters- all deal breakers really but you know the routine miss one net 15 one coming! Ok seriously...
Speaking of fresh starts I am employing the use of a professional dating service! No eHarm or one of those types but like a for real Matchmaker. I know right? LOL
The company is One Degree From Me and its owned and operated by Paul Brunson. It came to my attention after a post on the Essence magazine facebook page. Apparently he's the only full time African American matchmaker in the country or world. He's out of DC so I facebook stalked him...or looked him up (whatever makes you more comfortable lol) and I sent him a friend request and went to his company's website. I got an email from his company shortly after the "exit interview" with Superman *cue the Twilight Zone music* lol so just filled out their information sheet and sent it in! So I'll keep you posted!
Its funny I got into a chat with a friend from law school who has lost 30 pounds and she said she was hoping it would improve her dating life and I told her losing weight has opened up the dating pool without a doubt but its like Biggie said "Mo' money, more problems!" I told her its not a cure all and there are women out there 300- 500 pounds happily married and being treated like queens so weight is the least of the issues to deal with when it comes to finding The One is what I have realized. In fact I recommended The Soulmate Secret book to her too and I'll follow up with her.
I think I am finally in the place I was in 2009 when it came to my weight. I knew there were tools and resources out there that could help me to be successful but I was/am so used to doing things my way and in all honesty my way works with almost all my endeavors... my two holdouts are weight loss and dating. I gave into the experts on the weight loss front and got excellent results so now I think its time to turn the reigns over to the relationship experts and see where we are a year from now! They claim:
"Our exclusive and discreet service matches and connects high caliber, highly educated, highly eligible and successful individuals who wish to meet and form significant relationships and/or share their lives with one another. Additionally, our relationship coaching and content empowers and educates you to create fulfilling and lasting relationships with like-minded individuals."
Sounds like a plan to me! They doing matching and coaching so I opted for both. Such an overachiever! I am sure there is something we can all learn about relating to the opposite sex better and improving communication so I am going for it. I have no problem meeting and attracting a wide variety of men so there's something else afoot and I'll take that charge and learn from it. Heck I got a book to write!!! LOL
On the workout front I am back into my groove! Saturday I had a 2 hour session, Sunday I rested, Monday another 2 hours, Tuesday I took a sick day, today I have Krav Maga, Thursday Krav maga again, Friday I have an event! Saturday's my AKA meeting at 9am so I might try for an early session at the gym and afterwards its a spa day with my Sorors. Sunday I need to see some action possibly Krav Maga again and Monday back to Personal training.
I was down another 1.2 pounds this morning which is huge b/c its (men look away) TOM and I am usually up which means I am looking forward to the next weigh in!
I am down 9 pounds since April 14th a little over 2 pounds a week which will have me just shy of my 30 pound goal by June 30th and I'll take it!! And for the record that means I am only 21 pounds away (once again) from my lowest weight per my weigh in May 2010 when I hit my goal! Soooo I'll keep ya posted on all fronts!!! Thanks for all the positive enegy and encouragment!